Don’t just hug your children and cry over lives lost-do something to change it.

Sharing from Kay Otten, Ph. D.

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Dr. Otten's original post and follow up post and related references attached.  Lots of reading, but well summarized and pertinent information from behavior experts in the field of challenging behavior.

Hello Facebook Friends,

All week I have been avoiding the Conneticut shooting story as I just couldn’t stomach the sensationalism of the media. I do generally respect Meet the Press and after watching this morning have to respond. Usually I don’t speak out too much because I don’t feel that I am well informed enou

gh about all sides of most issues but this is a topic I KNOW! The shooter was described on MTP as “always a person apart, never had any close friends, never seemed to be a good fit anywhere, had trouble looking people in the eye, trouble answering questions, trouble fitting in, not a person who maintained normal relationships”. His parents got a divorce (as the parents of children that fit this profile often do due to the stress involved), he lived with his mother although there was great strain in their relationship (also common), and his mother took him in and out of school and eventually home schooled him (again-very common). I work with many kiddos that fit all or many parts of this profile EVERY DAY and have for over 20 years. Let me be extremely clear that I am in no way making excuses for his behavior (violence is never excusable) nor am I saying that all the students I support develop or will develop violent tendencies (a VAST majority will not). What I am hoping to do is help us all understand how future tragedies might be prevented.

During the rest of the program I heard a great deal of debate around gun control and mental health services. I support reasonable gun control restrictions and increased support and education surrounding mental health. Both are important to continue discussing but are not sufficient. Individuals with social, emotional, and/or behavioral challenges are supposed to be receiving a free and appropriate education in the public school system and I can assure you many are not and if they are, the services they receive are not of sufficient quality. There are three cognitive protective factors that inhibit the expression of aggression and violence: 1) empathy, 2) guilt and 3) fear of punishment. These all involve a well developed theory of mind (simply stated- taking the perspective of others) which relates to executive functioning skills such as inhibiting impulses and regulating emotions. All of these are functions of the frontal lobes of the brain which research has shown is wired differently in individuals with a variety of neurological disorders. The problem is the only way that most people think this can be helped it through “mental health services” such as medication and counseling. I am a supporter of both of these when used appropriately and ethically but also know that brain function can be impacted through direct instruction that addresses these specific skills deficit areas and this can be done in schools by teachers, speech pathologists, occupational therapists, etc.

I also have to state that individuals with social, emotional and/or behavior challenges are often targets of bullying and if not actually “bullied” are at the very least, misunderstood and socially rejected by their peers and the adults in their communities. We have all witnessed it. Many of them handle this social isolation by developing strong interests in solo activities such as video games which have become ridiculously violent and are certainly not helping the situation. ALL of us have a responsibility and role in preventing similar tragedies from happening in the communities that we live and there are things we can do IMMEDIATELY. So please, the time is now. Educate yourself and your children regarding the roots of social, emotional and behavior challenges, do not tolerate any form of teasing or bullying in your communities, reach out to children and families that are impacted by social, emotional, or behavioral challenges, and support proactive quality evidence based programming in your schools for social, emotional and/or behavioral needs. This isn’t just special education it also includes school and classwide positive behavior support, social and emotional learning, crisis prevention and anti-bullying programs, and mental health awareness. You can google any of these terms for more information. Our reactive, punitive approach to social, emotional, and behavioral issues in this country are at the root of the problem. We have the highest incarceration rate of any civilized country in the world and obviously it is not working as episodes of violence are continuing to increase at an alarming rate.
Don’t just hug your children and cry over lives lost-do something to change it. We are all part of the solution.

I kept going.

I've been gone a while from Bloggerville. I've been busy with work, kids, school, you know, life. Excuses, I know. I'm pretty good at them.
I decided to blog again. After deciding to run a 5k. I think I've gone crazy; actually, I know I've lost my mind.
I'm just starting to run. I've never been a runner. Or an exerciser of any kind. Sure I did sports as kid and a bit in high school. I kinda did the aerobics thing for a while (not well mind you). I even lifted weights. But all of those were more than a few years ago.
And I don't like to sweat. Worse yet, I don't sweat well. I get all red in the face but don't really sweat how I need to so that my body cools down.
I started with the Couch to 5K program on my phone. Not gonna lie, I've started it about three times. This time I have money in the race (I've registered for a 5k on July 19th...We'll talk another time about the bad choice that was! RUN! in Omaha in the middle of July??? Have I mentioned I can't stand heat?). I've been half-ass working out on the treadmill. I thought I was doing ok. I learned tonight, on my first run outdoors in at least 20 years, that running on the road and running on the treadmill are NOT comparable.
The moral of today's story is that I kept going. Which doesn't seem like much, but if you know what a good starter, but not the best finisher. Not a quitter. Just, not a finisher.
I decided tonight would be my first real run. Keep in mind, I am running and walking in 90 second intervals at this point, so run is a loose term.
I took the dog with me. She loved it. But she kept stepping in front of me. Trying to chase rabbits. Dog stuff. I kept going despite this. I ended up dropping the dog at home before finishing my session. I kept going.
Now, I'm going to tell you something ridiculous, yet very real. It was actually my first realization that running the treadmill and running outdoors are nothing alike. As I started my first run interval, I peed my pants. Yep. I'm running and peeing my pants at the same time. Disgusting? Yes! Embarrassing? Absolutely. I kept going. Even when it happened during my second interval run. After that, I figured I would just ignore and keep going. And I did. I kept going.
So, it looks like running just got more expensive for me. I'll need not only to keep myself in decent shoes, ibuprofen for the aches and pains, but also Depends apparently. I need to depend on me to keep going.

...but I didn't

I'm a crier. I cry. It's what I do when I'm sad. Or happy. Or laughing uncontrollably. I cry when Peter comes home for Christmas on the Folgers commercial. I cry when I hear a song. I always cry when my children are hurting. I often cry when others children are hurting. I cry at weddings. Funerals. As a matter of fact, I cry so easily I've considered offering my services to funerals of those who may not actually have someone to cry at their passing. I think you get the picture.
Today I decided I wouldn't cry. Not because I didn't want to, but because I needed not to. I've tried before not to cry in difficult situations to no avail. Usually when I'm feeling like crying I do. Sometimes at inopportune times, but that's a whole other story.
Today I went to visit a former student. This is something I do occasionally. Especially with students who have wormed their way in to my heart. Those that I see something in that others don't. Those who don't have someone in their corner not just when they're on the ropes, but don't have someone in their corner when the other guy is on the ropes. I've always been a supporter of underdogs.
It's just sometimes, when you really listen to a kid, and notice responses, and figure out how they see the world you can see something special in that kid. All kids are special, but when there's a human connection with kid and I'm lucky enough to see the true potential in that person it brings a rush of emotions: happy, sad, fortunate, gratitude, and worry. Happy because seeing that possible future is truly a gift to me. Sad as usually that very kid rarely can see or feel their potential. Fortunate speaks for itself. Gratitude for the great honor it is to be allowed in to a kids life. Especially a kid who has no reason to trust yet another 'well-meaning' adult.
Back to today. It was a first for me. The former student I visited was in a locked juvenile facility. And it's not pretty there. Upon arrival and after going through a metal detector I had to lock up my phone, purse, coat, keys...did I mention my phone?...in a locker. I can't tell you the last time I was not in the same room as my phone. This is a sidebar to the story, but, it was unnerving to leave it. I was escorted through two secured doors to a long stairway, that led to a long hallway in the basement of the building. We then walked through another locked door to an 'interview' room.
I sat down in the sparse salmon-ish pink room with mismatched chairs, a dirty table, and no clock. I believed I was locked in the room. I later found out I was not. I could hear all the commotion in the hall way, someone talking on the phone and saw youth detainees walk by my window with an escort (guard).
I waited for a long while for T to come in. I didn't know what to expect. I only knew him for about two months, but I told him even if he was no longer 'my' student, I would continue to advocate for him. I lost track of him for over three months. When I finally found where he was I had to get approved to see him. And I waited, having no idea what time it was. The T walked in with a smile that was not forced but not genuine either. And he asked how I had been. And I hugged him. I came to see him and he asks how I have been. This kid, who's been locked up for over two months with NO visitors. Who is now in what is called lockdown (meaning he only gets out of his room for one hour a day for recreation or letter writing). This kid asks how I am doing.
I wanted to cry...but I didn't.

New Business Idea!

So, I think I've got a great idea for a business that has nothing to do with what I deal with in my professional life. It's a money maker. Best yet, it's a needed service in the Omaha area. I am dreaming big on this one!
It started as a rash after changing shampoos. It looked like an allergic reaction, similar to what she's had before. But it didn't go away after a couple of days of treatment. Then it happened. She came out of her room. With something between her fingers. She said, "I found this in my hair." I replied, "Oh, let me see." A phrase that I may never repeat. I took a close look at what would consume my life on and off for the next two weeks and then into the next month. The four letter word that has become the bane of my existence: lice.
Yep, they are as disgusting as you might imagine. But worse than that, they will not go away! In the weeks we've been dealing with this here are the things we have purchased, my comments follow of course:

• Nix, don't bother...oh, and we spent like $90 on treatments for the whole fam-damily
• Vinegar, doesn't hurt, but not very helpful
• Alcohol, rubbing but if you're dealing with this you should have vodka on hand for sanity purposes
• A metal toothed lice/nit comb, helpful but not necessary (not gonna lie, we used a flea comb as you can cover more territory with it)
• Rx Ovide: I'm pretty sure Moo has neurological damage from that treatment! And, kerosene would have been much cheaper and I'm fairly certain it's the same thing.
• Huge trash bags, helpful for transporting all the laundry and keeping it separate from the 'other' laundry
• Laundry Detergent and Dryer sheets, I don't think either has stopped running since this ordeal began
• New pack of combs, helpful
• Head Lice Head Light (thanks for the name Marni!)...a camping or spelunking flashlight you wear on your head: A NECESSITY!
• Magnifying glass and cheap drugstore reading glasses...those damn lice and nits are small!
• A 'daylight' lamp, helps in seeing the little critters
• Vacuum Cleaner Bags, You throw them away after each use...not cheap.
• Listerine, makes me feel better about 'doing' something...but not entirely useful. BUT, it has high alcohol content so you can drink it if you run out of vodka
• Orange Sticks and Toothpicks, To separate the hair
• Drawstring Trash bags for all of the kids in Moo's class to put all outerwear in at their 'hooks'
• Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser, MY SALVATION! Cetaphil for Head Lice

My point. We've spent a TON of money on all this crap. Not to mention the time involved in cleaning the house, doing laundry, nit picking (another term I won't use lightly again), vacuuming furniture, doing laundry, picking live bugs out of hair, nit picking. Did I mention doing laundry?
I would have gladly paid someone else to come in and do all this stuff. That's my business idea. I want to call it De-Louse Your House. Our business would come in and do all the aforementioned and deal with the hassle. I'm guessing we could do it for about the same cost as buying all the crap listed above, not to mention NOT having to deal with ALL of the above.

You can hate me for sharing. You can judge me. You can judge us. It is what it is. You won't understand unless...until you have to deal with it. And I would not wish that on anyone.
And if this doesn't stop going around school I may need donations of vodka to get me through. I prefer Grey Goose, Stoli Blueberry and Vanilla are equally well liked.
Don't be a nitwit! Check your kids for lice if they're itching!

You can't put out a fire by peeing on it

An Omaha  guy lights his ex-girlfriend's house on fire using gasoline and says, and I quote: "As soon as I saw it....I tried to pee on it at first because I didn't know what to do." I thought it was important to 'double quote' this for reasons that may be obvious. This is really dumb and I do not want to misquote this human specimen.
First, if you're pissed (pun intended) at your ex-girlfriend don't go to her house carrying a gas can. Second, if you are so effed up that you choose to set her door on fire, you can't put out that fire by peeing on it. Third, get an attorney and don't talk to the news.
Maybe this story is indicative of our society today. I guess when people are angry they feel they are justified to respond however they want. Without thinking about the consequences for not only the person they are retaliating against, but also the consequences to them. Peeing on a fire is similar to saying sorry when you've purposely done harm. It does nothing to solve the problem and makes you look dumb for trying. Last, has the world learned NOTHING from Law & Order? Come on. Lawyer up and shut your mouth.

Aspiring Annies take the stage - Omaha.com

I meant to share this a couple of weeks ago...

Aspiring Annies take the stage - Omaha.com

Aspiring Schmoo

So, the youngest (aka Schmoo) has decided that she wants to try out for a part in a musical. Not an easy task, even on the local level. She's tried out previously at the community playhouse for a part, to no avail. She has taken dance for five years (and she's pretty good if I do say so myself). But this is a big deal. She is trying out for a part in Annie. Yes, Annie...on Broadway no less. 

She probably won't make it. It's literally like winning the lottery. Her hopes are so high. We've talked about the likelihood of making it. She knows the odds are against her. Yet, she wants to audition. I say, "Good for her." How easy is it for us to sit back and not even try to do the things that are out of reach? Pretty easy. She probably won't even get a second look when auditioning. That's o.k. because at least she is trying.

In our society of 'fifteen minutes of fame-ers' it is hard to want to be an ordinary person. Everyone is famous. And that's the irony, right? When everyone is famous no one is. So, while Schmoo continues to wish to be famous. To wish to be on Broadway. Or, to wish to be star in Hollywood. We'll hold her up as high as we can AND be there to help her get up if she falls. That's all a parent of an aspiring star can do. 

Think of us Sunday afternoon when we're waiting, with the other 800 (let's hope for way less) aspiring stars, and wish us well. Our goal for the day is to have fun and enjoy the experience. That sounds like a good goal for every day.