Sentimental, Sarcastic, & Selfish

My kids are driving me nuts, and they're not out of school until tomorrow! I love them. I really do. And I'd do anything for them. Most notably, I would literally, not just figuratively, lay down my life for them. I know this, I don't just think it. When our oldest was born much too early I made a deal with God that if someone had to go, I wanted God to pick me. Fortunately we are both still here. Although, some days I wonder if we are both going to make it through her adolescence.
I really should not check tweet deck or work e-mails when I'm 'out', but being the tech junkie I am of course I do just that. While out, feeling sorry for myself because: a) the end of the school year is really busy; b) dance recital is a little over a week away and we'll be busy with that; c) there's no way humanly possible to get all that I need to get done at work DONE by next Friday (or next month for that matter); d) I continued to battle a headache into the evening; e) I'm worried about a three week class I'm taking this summer;  f)  for all of the above and any other minor mole hills  I've allowed to become mountains. Then I checked tweet deck. Wrong move.
Tears streamed down my face, I felt like a selfish bitch unable to deal with my own issues when there are real problems that people face. Riley lost her five year battle with cancer  yesterday. She was ten, almost eleven. She died in her home, in her mother's arms. And as you will see in the link I've shared below, her family says she left her mother's arms and went right into the arms of Jesus. I continued to cry. Because I was sad. Because I felt guilty about my own selfishness. Even because I felt peace that Riley had found hers.
And I kept reading. Not only had Riley passed, she greeted her grandfather in Heaven when he arrived that same day. Riley's mom thinks her dad (Riley's Grandpa) was ready to go, but needed Riley to go first.
I can't comprehend this. I get it on an intellectual level; but how does this work on a spiritual level?  Riley understood the spiritual much better than I ever will. So I hugged my kids tight, and gave thanks that they are healthy, although I complain about their allergies and minor ailments, they ARE healthy and well. I told them I loved them and I let them see my tears. I shared the story of Riley and her family. They didn't understand, and they shouldn't have to.
And then today, while this was still on my mind I yelled at my kids. I said hurtful things to them. And generally lost my cool. Selfish and ungrateful me. I'll continue to be ungrateful and a generally a sarcastic bitch. Yet I'll remain sentimental and continue to give a damn; not because I should, but because I genuinely do care.
The Daily Reflector - Cancer battle ends for Riley Philpot

Grumpy Girl

I have a horrible headache. The kind you go to bed with hoping it's gone when you wake up...only it isn't gone. As a matter of fact it's worse than it was the night before. Not only that, it may end up a migraine. I'm not certain that it is or I'd get to the doctor now. But, the doctor thinks I'm crazy. In her defense, I am a little crazy. But I know what is happening  with my body, even when no one believes me. I won't go to the doctor with this headache because if I tell her I think I may have a migraine and I don't then I've lost any credibility I had left. And I may need that for something really serious someday. Like if I'm having a stroke (God forbid). I don't need to be wondering if my doctor is thinking, "Oh, here comes Gina. She's crazy. Sure she's having a stroke. It's probably nothing." And, it will be no consolation if I actually were having a stroke and no one believed me until I was too far gone to salvage. So, I'l take too much Aleve and Motrin too often and pray I'm not damaging my kidneys. God, I hope I don't because my doctor wouldn't believe me anyway.

Fits right in...

If you know me, you know I have allergies. Allergic to everything. Everything under the sun. Including the sun.  I sat outside of work for about five minutes enjoying the beautiful day, watching the cottonwood blow in the air (which I am also allergic to), thinking this could be the only day I enjoy outdoors without having a full blown (nasal) allergy attack. I enjoyed myself, and the company. I got home tonight, only to find my sun allergy had reared its ugly head again. Not too bad, but enough to remind me I cannot and must not enjoy the sun. (My kids call me vampire. I wish I had some of the perks that went along with being one.) So I sit here itching! And miserable.
Keep in mind that all three of my children have allergies of differing severity, but all have some  kind of allergy nonetheless. My biggest complaint about allergies, aside from the sneezing, kleenex going through the wash, hearing the sucking back of snot, coughing, finding snot rags all over the place, has to be that because of said allergies I can't use scented fabric softener. That's why I hate washing clothes, they never smell 'clean'! They don't smell bad or dirty, they just don't have that clean laundry smell that most people get to enjoy. I know it's a simple thing. I just want the smell of clean around me. But, because of my allergies and thanks to the wonders of genetics now my kids' allergies, we can't have that one simple pleasure. It could be worse.
So, we got a dog (this will make sense...stick with me). . I've been noticing that she sneezes when she comes in from being out in the grass. It's gotten progressively worse, much like the rest of ours have. We've already visited the vet twice in her short two months with us. And I wanted to wait until school was out and dance recital was over to check out what was going on with the dog's allergy situation. But, just like the rest of my family, the dog apparently does not like to do things on my time table...she had her own plan.
It started with her coughing and sneezing uncontrollably last night. So bad, that after researching I gave her a low dose of Benadryl to stave off the sneezing and coughing. That did NOT help! In the middle of the night the oldest said the dog started making a gawd awful noise, I first heard this at 5:55 a.m. I thought she was having an asthma attack, she was wheezing, she seemed to be retracting with each breath. I was freaked out! I wanted to take her in to the emergency vet right then and there, but, I couldn't even imagine the cost. I'm kind of cheap, plus I've found an amazing vet really close to our house with really reasonable prices. I digress. The oldest and I took turns sitting with her while she continued the horrible wheezing for about an hour and half until our vet opened for the day.
Once I got there, she continued this horrible, painful, and heart wrenching wheeze. The vet got her in right away. Yep, she has allergies. And this horrible, gawd awful, painful, asthma like sound is called: reverse sneezing. You read that right, reverse sneezing. It could be worse. I'm glad that she is o.k. So now she's on steroids (insert whatever joke you'd like here) and will likely start on allergy meds in the near future. But, in the meantime...the dog fits right in.

The bottom of my purse

So, a couple of years ago when my middle child was in kindergarten and I had just gone back to work full time and life was really crazy (it's never not crazy, I should rate crazy on a 10 point scale) I forgot my son's show and share item. I was having extreme mommy guilt for having chosen to work in a career I love helping other people's children while sending mine off to school and/or child care. I was feeling really vulnerable in my kids' suburban school with all the moms who have everything together,  are dressed for tennis or in designer duds and heels for a corporate job or don't work outside the home and live more comfortably than I, and who I can feel judging my fat Target clothed body while they walk past with their kids show and share in hand speaking lovingly to their child in the hallway.
My son freaks out. And so do I by responding, "why don't you do what I say"; "I told you to do this"; "you know this is every Wednesday"....I'll spare you the rest as it's not pretty.  I don't even know the theme of this weeks show and share. Fortunately, the kindergarten teacher was there and I asked her. The answer, "The five senses." Well that should be easy...if we had taken care of it the night before!
We stand there, Boy in tears, me feeling that I'm the worst mom on earth. I think that a lot (there have been a couple times that it was really true, those stories later). I start digging through my purse. I have all kinds of receipts that probably should be filed somewhere, trash (my kids think my purse is a trashcan), lots of change because I never put it where it belongs. I'm losing hope at this point. Boy is still crying. I suck. I offer lip gloss, but am rejected because it's too girly. I offer lotion, it's scented too girly. A tissue...too boring. I am ready to quit when I hear it. A shaking sound at the bottom of my bag. That could work! Hearing is a sense! I take it out: Tic Tacs! He loves it. We shake it and hear the sound! We open it and smell the mint. We pop one in our mouth and taste the intense mint. We rub one between our fingers to feel how smooth Tic Tacs are...obviously, the whole time we're seeing the Tic Tacs. And he smiles and hugs me. And I'm no longer feeling like worst mom...for the moment.